STOP TRYING TO CHANGE HIM

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that many people, myself included, love a challenge. Tell me I can’t name all capital cities of African countries or put my elbows together behind my back and I’ll jump at the chance to prove you wrong. Give me a words-written-per-hour goal and I’ll do my best to double it. I imagine the thrill of a challenge is among the reasons people run marathons or decide to get multiple dogs for their one-bedroom apartment.

Then there are the people who, upon meeting and subsequently dating someone, take up the challenge of changing another human being. Bleh!

Here’s the scene: You meet someone at a bar (I wouldn’t), or a show, or the park with your multiple dogs, and you are incredibly drawn to him. It may be his eyes or his hair or his walk or, in my history, his “I’m-a-mysterious-douchebag” sensation. Whatever it is, you find yourself flirting and inquiring and lining up a coffee date.

Fast forward: You’ve been dating a while, albeit casually, and a few things have come to light that you are not as drawn to as his eyes/hair/mean-man mystery. Maybe they love Julius Malema and you despise him, or they are pro-Israel to your pro-Palestine, or they don’t like pets. Maybe the smell of peanut butter makes them cringe (there goes that PB & banana late-night snack) or they can’t stand Zahara’s voice. 

And let’s say you decide that you can put up with all of these things - for a while. Behind the scenes, however, you hope to bring this peanut butter-loathing EFF supporter over to your side.

Weeks and months go by, and no change. You become frustrated, even though there are “so many other things” you’re attracted to in this person. You really thought that all your “light-hearted encouragement/arguments for your perspective” would change things.

Well, you messed up. Because you can’t change a person! And it’s a waste of time to try.

Let me be clear: It is not a waste to help someone achieve a goal for themselves that in itself implies change (i.e. quitting smoking, changing careers, managing money better, etc). Nor is it pointless to hope your significant other comes to like your sister or your dog or your best friend. What IS futile is to make such change a condition of your relationship. What you get from a person, upon meeting and getting to know them, should be something you’re willing to accept from the outset. (Again, if this person develops a debilitating drug habit or commits an unforgivable crime, the terms of your relationship will invariably change).

In any relationship, there will be sadness and disappointment at times. But it is a mistake to think that your meat-eating, Mets-loving mama’s boy will, with time, forgo opening day in order to browse a farmers’ market and make vegan pad thai.

Put simply, you can’t build a boyfriend, because people aren’t projects.