SAYING I LOVE YOU

I am no expert, but I have observed and concluded that we normally toss around the word ‘love’ like tossing a salad. We say it daily to our spouses, kids, parents, brothers and sisters, family, friends and we use to describe how much we like a song, dinner, book, view, house and on and on.

Does this mean it isn’t what we feel? Not necessarily, we really do have those feelings for our family and friends. Is it the same feeling for a dead object or social abstract like country, home and hearth? Again, it can be that, but to say, “I love this pasta,” diminishes the word. How can we compare our lovers to our dinner?

It is my experience that in long term relationships the words “I love you,” mean less and less the longer the relationship lasts. This does not mean it is not true, that we shouldn’t be saying them to our loved ones, what it does mean we need to make sure the words are sincere and in the moment. We say them so much that they become a habit, a routine, something we say without thinking about them.

One thing I have learned from my experience is that most people notice when their partners are not wholly with them, or engaged, or not present in the moment. I do not doubt the sincerity of the feelings of love we have, what I do question is when we just give a quick peck on the cheek, say “I love you, good-bye,” and head-off to wherever we are going. Is our attention and focus on our partner or on where we are going and what we have to do? In that case, s are just not sincere and in the moment enough.

One way of making the words mean something is to do something that proves the words. We need to be doing things that show our love and caring about our loved ones. Actions are always more effective when they are backed up with the words and so the opposite is true. So make your good-bye routine honest and sincere. For that moment give yourself and your attention to your partner, hug them for at least 6 seconds (6 seconds is long enough to become fully present), give them a real kiss, soft and sweet and with all the love you truly feel, hold it until you both relax and partake of each other.

It is what we do with the feelings we have for our loved ones that really define the love we have and defines our relationship not only with our partners but also, with ourselves. Sam Keen said, “Seeing only the good we blind ourselves to the better and the best.”  The very best gift we can give our partners and ourselves is to accept the good in our relationships, but to continue looking for and making the better and the best come true.

Use the words, say them often, mean them, prove that feeling and your love will never become routine or habit but remain fresh and alive. The heart has reasons the mind knows not of.