Nora Roberts
I am no expert, but I have observed and realised that one of the saddest things is when two people desperately love each other and yet, can’t make it work, for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s beliefs that get in the way, others, it’s past experiences and at times it is not knowing what to do and how to do it. We often believe that relationships should be easy, that we should just be able to have a decent one because we are in love. Not always the case, in fact usually not.
Most of the things that make relationships work are learned behaviours. Some of it is that we need to learn about each other and how we tick. What makes us happy, sad, and angry and how do we do each of those? How does our partner feel loved, express love and the same for ourselves?
Another thing we need to learn is to deal with ourselves in the relationship. We need to ask ourselves what are we bringing to the party. In what ways are our actions, words and silences contributing to the success or failure of the relationship? As couples, are we dealing with the issues when they are just little? Do we deal with the hurts, pains and injuries immediately before they start to get infected and fester into anger, frustration and resentment? This all starts with me, the individual. I need to learn how to control and manage my anger, my frustration, my hurt and my resentment. This is what is meant by what we bring to the party.
I have seen couples where it is very evident that there is a tremendous amount of love for each other, yet they are talking about divorce, separation, about walking away and never seeing each other again. Why? In looking at most scenarios, it is the past, the history of the relationship. The hurts, betrayals, the anger, the inappropriate behaviours, the lies and mistruths and the not talking to each other or about certain things that are causing the issues. Every couple gets into times when things aren’t good, where the relationship takes second seat to other things and for some reason - nothing is done to repair the damage.
Let’s review the order of things in a relationship. First, respect for each other leads to trusting each other. Trust leads to creating a deep and lasting intimacy, which is the keystone of love. So, respect, trust, intimacy and love; all need to exist in the relationship in order for it to remain fresh and vibrant and strong. It is the unresolved issues that begin to wear on these things.
If these types of issues are left unchecked, they can destroy the relationship because they push at our own insecurities. So what happens over time is that we begin to treat each other differently. We lose respect because we treat each other badly, unfairly or ‘unlovingly’. We begin to not talk to each other, not tell the truth, keep secrets and this is a recipe for breaking trust. Then, because we don’t trust each other, the little intimacies become impossible and we lose that as well.
So there is love, very much so, but we have ripped the respect, trust, and intimacy out of the relationship. Love is strong and powerful but it can’t sustain a relationship by itself for very long. It is like trying to plug a leaky dam with your fingers, in time, you run out of fingers and toes and the dam bursts.
Do you believe in happily ever after? Do you have a fairy tale love and all that it creates? Do you want to love each other forever and ever in that dream relationship? It is not impossible to have that type of relationship; first you need to believe it is possible, next you need to learn what is needed and how to do those things and lastly, you need to do it. Not caring whether your partner is doing their part or not, you do it because you love your partner and want this to work.
You need to ask yourself why you love your partner. Oh, there will be all the “normal” reasons: good looks, sexy, attractive, caring, hardworking and so forth. But if you are truthful, you will say you that you love your partner because of the way you feel when you are with them and how you feel when you think about them and how much you miss them when you are not together.
So take care of your relationship. Nurture it, feed it, pamper it, maintain and repair it; deal with what needs dealing with and do it immediately. Always be respectful and trustworthy so as to create and maintain intimacy which creates, nurtures, grows, builds strong, long lasting, love and loving relationships. Believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters and work like hell to achieve them.
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