MOVING ON? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that in the time you are with someone you love, it can be one of the best things you could feel in life until one single moment that changes everything you thought you had.  Betrayal of a lover that you never thought could happen because of the love you have for each other.

You begin to feel that this person you once knew is not the person you fell in love with. You feel as if you are going out with a stranger. No matter the level of betrayal it still causes pain - pain that can make your mind wonder if anything that you had with the person was real. At this point, there is a feeling that you are just there for the ride on an emotional roller coaster that the betrayer is controlling with no care of what your feelings are during it. How do you feel after such a shift? You feel unloved and disrespected. At one point you will even feel unattractive. Compliments that spill from your lover's lips may not sound the same. Shame!

Compliments from a stranger's lips become more assuring than the ones from your lover's. You feel a need to reinvent yourself into someone completely different. You wonder if he took a day off from work to visit with another. You wonder if when he goes out with his friends is he really with another. You wonder that when you tell your lover that you will be going out that he picks up the phone to tell another to come by. You see him leave the room wondering if he is leaving to go see if he received a text message from another. You begin to wonder on your way home will you catch the other in your home.

You wonder if he meets up with another at work or at the gym for imitate moments. You have thought of what you would do to your lover and to the other if you were to see them together. These thoughts and emotions can come to mind even when you are trying to be positive and move on. You walk in public studying women that your lover may be attracted to so that you can adopt their fashion and even their mind set. When with your lover, you stay close when any female is around to attempt to prevent any thoughts in his head knowing that it may be impossible. You study your lover’s every move and every woman he looks at and for how long. Instead of voicing thoughts you keep them to yourself.

Instead, you mimic what is being done. You begin to look at men more when they catch your eye. You text a man you know because not only does he do it but you enjoy the conversation that you are having. You put the phone face down so he does not see the screen like he does to you. When he walks in a room you power down your phone right when he walks in so he can wonder who you were texting. You text who you want, when you want and how you want because he does it with not caring about your feelings. You say: I have standards for myself to assist me to do what is right but if my lover does not have the same then I will mimic all the things he does that cause pain to inflict the pain back.

Is this healthy for me to do? Maybe not. But the fact that he gives me pain without a single thought before thinking about what we have together gives me gratification to know we are doing the same thing. Have we talked about what he could do about the situation? Yes. But he will go on and do whatever he wants because he looks at it as me trying to control him and not me trying to tell him what he can do to keep us together. Has he changed his way of thinking that contacting a woman at various times of the day is fine? I don't know. If he has then I thank him for taking my thoughts and feelings seriously.

If he has continued then I know that he does not care and that my standards will then become his allowing me to do what he does. Screw those double standards as he says they are. My heart is at stake with someone who hurts it with every time they hit the send button. His heart will hurt every time I hit the send button to a man I once loved all because I refuse to always be the nice respectful person and the only one who feels pain. These re the thoughts hat come to you when the relationship has been compromised but if you want the relationship sit back and watch the man prove himself to you. Try not to lose yourself in what has been done to you. If you feel the need to reinvent yourself, do it for you and not because it is what your lover may be attracted to.

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER CHEATING?

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that this question means different things to different people. Most people in traditional monogamous relationships believe sexual infidelity is cheating, but do you believe it's deeper than just that?

What if you're in a relationship and find yourself connecting with another person? I've heard people saying that you can't get all things from one person. Different people bring out different qualities of your personality. But when you are in a committed relationship, should you give up these connections with other people? 

Is it cheating if you have a mental connection with someone and pursue a relationship with them? Could this be the definition of Friendship or is this an aspect of Cheating?

I have a friend who doesn't realise she is in an intimate relationship with a married man. Don't misunderstand me - they do not have a physical relationship. In fact, their interaction consists of only phone calls.

But he shares his fears, dreams and frustrations with her, the things you would expect him to share with his wife. I've witnessed them talk for an hour with ease. He reaches out to her when he feels defeated, sad or even excited. He calls her every night to talk about his day. Her voice is the last thing he hears before he goes to sleep.

Their conversations are platonic of nature, no sexual chit-chat. I believe my friend fills a void in this man's life and he fills one in her life. She refers to him as a friend, but would his wife have the same understanding? Are they just really good friends or are the lines of friendship blurred? Do you considered this cheating? Where do we draw the line?

10 DATING TIPS FOR MEN FROM WOMEN

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that dating and relationships need time! This post was inspired by the dating trials and tribulations of my female friends.

So I wanted to share with you my Top 10 Dating Tips for Men from Women. Some might be pretty, some might be ugly, but either way, they are real stories that women have shared.

1. If you say you’re going to call, just call

This is simply basic respect. If you say you’re going to call, call. Girls have lives too, but if you tell them you’ll call, chances are they excited about that. When you don’t end up calling, it either shows that you’re flaky, or you simply don’t care. As much as chatting is the in-thing nowadays, hearing your voice will go a long way and be meaningful for her.

2. Act interested, but not too interested

When out on a date, conversation needs to be a two way street. So show her you’re interested! There is nothing more boring than a guy who only talks about himself. Yes, girls are known for talking a lot. So what? They are girls! Make sure to ask her questions and be interested in what SHE has to say. I have a friend who does gorgeous ink artwork, and when she showed the guy she was dating he just responded with, “Is that pen?” Come on!

3. Chivalry is NOT dead.

OK I know that we’re in the 21st century here, and I am absolutely an advocate for equality, but I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead. One thing that I’ll do forever is to open the door for her. From the onset till the day we die. It’s such a small and simple act, but chivalry is a huge turn on. Do it.

4. Pay on the first date

The need for me to explain this further is superfluous…

5. If you’re just not that into her, okay, but please don’t suddenly get “too busy”.

Sometimes, you’re just not that into her. And vice versa. And that’s okay. But please don’t play games. Even though it’s scary, the most masculine thing you can possibly do is to be honest with her. I have female friends who keep making excuses for a guy who is blowing them off because he is suddenly “really busy”. They want to believe it, that he really just DOES have a lot going on. But we both know better. We make time in our lives for something that is a priority. If you weren’t too busy a few weeks ago, you aren’t now. Just be straight up if you don’t want to see her anymore.

6. Make the plans and stick to them

Girls like a guy who can make a plan and stick to it. If you have commitment-phobia, or even making a plan that’s a week away, you know, just in case something comes up – then she’s going to question if you can make a commitment to her at all.

7. Take initiative

Girls are attracted to a man who can show some leadership. Whether that’s setting the date and picking the place for dinner, or leaning in for a kiss, show her you’re someone with a little initiative.

8. Put some effort into how you dress

I’m not saying that you have to get all dressed up, in fact, sometimes that shows you’re trying a little “too” hard. Girls like a guy who can dress well but also can be casual and a little rugged. But if you’re going to take a girl out, especially if it’s the first date, put a little effort into your appearance. Don’t just…

9. Don’t call at 2 am

Every girl, and guy for that matter, probably has a story about dating someone who only calls or texts them to “hang out” at 2 am. If it’s in the early phases of a relationship, and you can set a proper date at a proper time, you’re better off just going home to bed than calling her up at 2 am.

10. Have confidence in yourself

This last one is a little more positive than the rest. I don’t want to seem like I’m just ragging on you guys! I understand that us guys have a tough time in the dating scene, too. We all do. And often times we need a dose of self-love just as much as women. So this last statement trumps all the other advice: have confidence in yourself. No matter who you are, what you look like or what you do, just be confident in that. Nothing is more appealing to a girl than a man who knows who he is and doesn’t make excuses for it.

STOP TRYING TO CHANGE HIM

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that many people, myself included, love a challenge. Tell me I can’t name all capital cities of African countries or put my elbows together behind my back and I’ll jump at the chance to prove you wrong. Give me a words-written-per-hour goal and I’ll do my best to double it. I imagine the thrill of a challenge is among the reasons people run marathons or decide to get multiple dogs for their one-bedroom apartment.

Then there are the people who, upon meeting and subsequently dating someone, take up the challenge of changing another human being. Bleh!

Here’s the scene: You meet someone at a bar (I wouldn’t), or a show, or the park with your multiple dogs, and you are incredibly drawn to him. It may be his eyes or his hair or his walk or, in my history, his “I’m-a-mysterious-douchebag” sensation. Whatever it is, you find yourself flirting and inquiring and lining up a coffee date.

Fast forward: You’ve been dating a while, albeit casually, and a few things have come to light that you are not as drawn to as his eyes/hair/mean-man mystery. Maybe they love Julius Malema and you despise him, or they are pro-Israel to your pro-Palestine, or they don’t like pets. Maybe the smell of peanut butter makes them cringe (there goes that PB & banana late-night snack) or they can’t stand Zahara’s voice. 

And let’s say you decide that you can put up with all of these things - for a while. Behind the scenes, however, you hope to bring this peanut butter-loathing EFF supporter over to your side.

Weeks and months go by, and no change. You become frustrated, even though there are “so many other things” you’re attracted to in this person. You really thought that all your “light-hearted encouragement/arguments for your perspective” would change things.

Well, you messed up. Because you can’t change a person! And it’s a waste of time to try.

Let me be clear: It is not a waste to help someone achieve a goal for themselves that in itself implies change (i.e. quitting smoking, changing careers, managing money better, etc). Nor is it pointless to hope your significant other comes to like your sister or your dog or your best friend. What IS futile is to make such change a condition of your relationship. What you get from a person, upon meeting and getting to know them, should be something you’re willing to accept from the outset. (Again, if this person develops a debilitating drug habit or commits an unforgivable crime, the terms of your relationship will invariably change).

In any relationship, there will be sadness and disappointment at times. But it is a mistake to think that your meat-eating, Mets-loving mama’s boy will, with time, forgo opening day in order to browse a farmers’ market and make vegan pad thai.

Put simply, you can’t build a boyfriend, because people aren’t projects.