INSECURE PLAYERS

I am not an expert, but I’ve concluded that players never win, that is my philosophy. People who cheat think they are getting ahead, but they are only fooling themselves. Not only are players cheating themselves, but their actions reflect what they carry inside, a lack of maturity and an unhealthy development into adulthood.

When I hear guys who are players call their women insecure, I realise that this is the man speaking out of a guilty conscious and using a primitive defence mechanism called Projection. Usually, men attribute their own undesirable thoughts and feelings onto their women who do not have those thoughts and feelings. Does this sound familiar? Little do these men know, they are the ones who are insecure in themselves.

Players demonstrate their insecurity by jumping from one woman to another in search for happiness and self-satisfaction. Basically, they are not happy with themselves. This is mainly because they don’t feel love or don’t feel they have real love for anyone. So they hide that emptiness in the lifestyle of a player where expression of emotions is not required and lovelessness reigns.

A developmental milestone of the early adult is to find love in relationships. The young adult must develop intimate relationships or suffer feelings of isolation. The typical player falls right into this category: a person who has not found a satisfying loving intimate relationship, thus suffers from feelings of isolation. He covers up the feelings of isolation by being with multiple women (Acting Out). The multiple women that the player is with are usually unloving relationships. In order to cope with feelings of isolation and inadequacy, the player performs an extreme behaviour to express thoughts or feelings that he feels incapable of otherwise expressing. So he “Acts Out” (another defense mechanism) because of his isolation by behaving like a ‘Player.’ Yes, I said it!

I met a guy who had a real nice girlfriend. He stayed with her because she was a good girl, the type he could bring home to his mother and the type he thought would make a good mother to his children. She was very pretty too. However, this guy still had his mind on other girls. He started off flirting until one day he was unfaithful to his girl. People think flirting is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. In this case, he hurt his beloved because maybe he was insecure with himself. Why did he cheat? Maybe he wasn’t satisfied with himself. Maybe he wasn’t ready to be faithful or monogamous and he wasn’t confident or matured enough to admit it and handle it in a responsible way.

I know men who are so confident in themselves and satisfied with their relationship that they have no desire to entertain other women. That’s why my theory about men who cheat is a reflection of their insecurity. They are not confident enough in themselves. There is a lack of self-realisation so they jump around from woman to woman hiding this lack of personal growth. They have not yet reached the milestone of finding a loving relationship and instead are still fighting the battle of intimacy versus isolation. Because of this lack of adult realisation, they “act out” defensively by being a player.

These soulless, heartless cheating men have a lot to learn about themselves. The help they need is not from another woman, but from God. So women stay away. Don’t be inclined to ‘help’ or ‘change’ these men into the ‘good’ man you want him to be. This change will only be initiated by their self-realisation.

DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST TELL HIM THAT?

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I’ve concluded that when one is in a romantic relationship, a main focus should be to figure out ways how to improve the relationship. That precisely, was what I was looking for in the articles that I have been reading on relationships. I came across an interesting article about honesty. Now, I’m a big believer in honesty and I believe it is a focal point in healthy relationships. The author of the article I read explained that there are certain things a woman should be able to tell her partner. However, as a guy, I read the article, I found myself disagreeing with the author on the things a woman should tell her partner.  This triggered me to write my own post on things a woman SHOULD NOT tell her boyfriend if she plans on being with him for the long run.

The first thing I came up with is mentioning your past! It’s probably the easiest and it is a responsibility of both parties to avoid doing. We live in a society where women are viewed as being jealous creatures. This may be true, but believe it or not, men have more than an ounce of jealousy in their system. Do not compare your us with your ex, SERIOUSLY DO NOT compare us with your ex or even mention him. We don’t want to hear all the special things he did for you or the special memories you guys shared.  It’s my turn to do something special with you and create better memories. We as men want to be different and we don’t want to be anything like your ex-boyfriend. Comparing us to your ex or mentioning your ex on a regular basis will have us thinking that you are not over him and that can cause tremendous conflicts within the relationship.

The second thing is saying something about his mother in a derogatory fashion. There is nothing like a relationship with a man and his mother and I’m definitely a momma’s boy. Any negative statement you have to say about my mother, please refrain from sharing with me. This is very important to remember. Most men would probably do anything for their mothers and if you happen not to see eye to eye with his mother, my advice is to try your hardest to be diplomatic.  Communicate with your partner about your concerns with his mother in private, but do not show your frustrations in front of his mother.

The third one involves his looks. Please do not tell your boyfriend that you find him to be unattractive. That will totally lower his confidence and to make matters worse, he will probably go find someone who thinks he is attractive. Just lie to him and make him feel as though he is the sexiest man alive! One of your goals as a girlfriend is to boost his confidence, not lower it…I’ve witness plenty of women tell their man that she doesn’t find him to be physically attractive. We all know the saying, “it’s not how you look on the outside, but it’s all about what’s on the inside”. But that doesn’t mean you should actually share that with him. He probably thinks he’s the best thing you ever had. Now, if he has a huge ego then it’s OK to turn it down a notch, but don’t make it a habit by crushing his thoughts, it can be detrimental to his self-esteem.

I could continue the list by mentioning things like avoid talking about: his finances or lack of, calling him lazy, immature or a big kid, or even criticising his love making skills. These are all things a woman should refrain from sharing with her male partner.  Be conscious on what you mention to your man. We all have a soft side and our feathers can easily be ruffled. If you don’t want him saying inappropriate things to you, be the example and refrain from mentioning anything I listed in this post. Until then, keep the positivity in you relationships and focus on empowering each other not bringing down each other. Don’t forget when you’re in a relationship you become a team, it’s your team against the world!

MAIN CHICK VS SIDE CHICK

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that history has revealed to us that men like women. Sometimes men like different types of women. And sometimes men like to have different types of women at the same time.

Hence there is this deep rooted culture of polygamy in the history of men and women. Nonetheless, this truism is not the point of this article; rather, it’s about distinguishing the different roles women play in relationships with men (that pretend to be monogamist). Nowadays, we like to refer to the two different roles of women as the Main Chick and the Side chick. It is not uncommon for men and the general public to undermine the value and essence of a WOMAN with names like these that give reference to an animal, food or object, but that’s not the point of this article either. My point is that whether you are a main chick or a side chick, you are not being valued as the woman you want to be, rather, you are still confined to the role a man wants you to be.

Main Chick:

The main chick is the public figure. She gets most of the public credit for being the significant other. Most of the time honesty is held from her and she doesn’t know that her man has side chicks. Sometimes she does, and follows to this role as a main woman while knowing her man has another woman on the side. She stays within the context of the role to preserve her man’s image for society, family, friends and culture. Her silence is golden to keep the image her man wants for himself. She is the significant other in her own eyes and in the eyes of others. But is she really significant in her man’s eyes? I want you to question the significance of a title if your man is not really living by your expectations of the title?

Side Chick:

The side chick is the hidden significant other. She is still significant because she fulfills a man’s needs and brings satisfaction to a man. The need is real and has a long history because as we all know; prostitution is the oldest job in the history of women. So according to me, a side chick is a prostitute. Some of my friends have argued that the world has many women, they also need love. Wrong! Most side chicks need money. Prostitute tendencies. Let me carry on…The side chick has many similarities to the main chick, because just like the main chick, she is a consistent figure. There is a relationship between the man and the side chick. There is a give and take and a mutual connection and the relationship they share. It may not be legitimised by a title like the main chick, but the relationship is real and highly significant. Arguable, even more so than the main chick because the man depends on this woman’s maintained secrecy. The side chick is usually aware that she is the side chick, so the man has more to lose with the side chick. If the side chick chooses to reveal herself, she has the power to ruin a man’s life and reputation. The side chick has more power than we tend to think of. Just like the main chick, the man depends on the side chick’s silence to keep his image to society.

Conclusion:

It seems as though many aspects of a woman’s life is controlled by men, even in mutual relationships. Whether you are the main chick or the side chick, your relationship may be manipulated by the man. As a caring guy, I’m telling you that it’s time for women to step up and get what they really want from a relationship with a man: Honesty, Integrity and Loyalty. Most women want to be the One and Only. Men, is that really possible? If so, women, don’t settle for anything other than that. It’s time to give priority to your wants and needs from a relationship with a man. And to you ladies with side men, we see you...(Hebrews 13:4)

SHE’S JUST A FRIEND…

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that we, men, are cunning in the way we dodge reality. Men are also keen in avoiding arguments and sometimes avoiding the truth. The point of this article is to encourage communication between couples. This term communication is so overused that it opaques the truism of the importance of communication.

The first part of communication is honesty. To get the full truth from some men is like pulling teeth, so women get your wrenches ready. Communication requires effort, intelligence and skill. Men will say “she’s just a friend” to describe just about any female in their lives: an ex, a side chick, a secret lover, a past casual sex partner or a secret admirer. When a man tells you she’s just a friend, it should raise an eyebrow, especially if the woman is actively in his life. Be inclined to find out what kind of friend she is. The most important question to ask in order to find this out is: “Did you sleep with her?” This will tell you exactly what kind of friend she is. Real friends don’t have sex with each other.

“She’s just a friend” may even mean, she’s my BEST friend. This is another situation that requires preparation for. Is she secretly the woman of his dreams, and being stuck in the friendship zone is the only way to keep her near? Or is she the type of best friend who will know everything about your man before you know it? Will she be calling him at all hours of the night and every day? Or does he have such high regards for this woman that you will be subject to frequent comparisons to her? Communication will help you better understand your man’s relationship with his friend.

Lastly, if your man says she’s just a friend, then maybe she’s just that! You will know by how his female friend treats you as the girlfriend. Does she request for your friendship on social media and in real life? Have you met her? Is she nice to you? Does she ask to meet you and invites you on double dates? Does she welcome you into the circle of friends? If the answer to these questions is yes, your man has a legitimate female friend - no worries mtaka dade wethu. But if this female friend doesn’t do any of the above-this girl is questionable. As a girlfriend, you will never really know what it means when your man says “she’s just the friend,” until you figure it out, so use context clues and communicate effectively with your man!

BEWARE OF THE MAMA’S BOY

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that when a girl sees a man treat his mother like a queen can be appealing to her. They see themselves in the picture thinking: “If that’s the way he treats his mother, image how much nicer he’ll treat me!” That’s where they go wrong with a “Mama’s Boy”. Yes, they want the love, kindness, and selfless acts he gives his mother, but women who date mama’s boys are usually left with nothing but second place. Yes, I said it!

It is my task to make you aware of the dangers of dealing with a mama’s boy, teach you how to identify one and give you advice about it.

First sign of a mama’s boy: Phone calls from his mother while you are out on a date with him.  If your guy is over the age of 21 and his mother still keeps tabs on his every move especially when he is out on a date-RED FLAG. Guys have no idea how annoying that is! It can turn into a serious issue later on when you can’t even have moments of intimacy without his mother knowing. Imagine!

Second sign of a mama’s boy: He can’t go a day without talking to his mother. If you’re in Cancun, Mexico for a week or in the Poconos for the weekend and your guy calls his mother every night-RED FLAG. You are taking a vacation for a reason! There is no reason why a grown man can’t tell his mother that he is going on a trip with his lady without his mother understanding there should be no reason they should call each other unless there is an emergency.  It totally kills the moment and the whole purpose of the trip. You might as well just bring your mother along.

Third sign of a mama’s boy: Mother and son can’t do anything without consulting each other. Whether his mother is going to work, church, or the mall, she keeps him posted and vise versa.  If your guy can’t decide what to eat, what to wear, or how to cook, clean or take care of himself without consulting his mother- RED FLAG.

Fourth sign of a mama’s boy: The responsibility of the relationship is on YOU not him. If the relationship fails to progress it is your fault, never his. His mother will think you are wasting her precious son’s time, she thinks YOU are the reason the relationship is not working because she never sees the flaws in her son. And since he is his mother’s child, he never sees faults in himself either. If the relationship ends, you will be looked at as the bad person. If you have been dating for a while and not engaged or married, his mother will think: why don’t YOU want to get married, and not: why her son can’t MAN UP?!

Ladies, these gents may seem sweet at first, but don’t let them annoy you. If you decide to continue dating this type of a guy, understand that you must meet his mother’s expectations to have a successful relationship with her son, even if it means taking second place to his mother.