INSECURE PLAYERS

I am not an expert, but I’ve concluded that players never win, that is my philosophy. People who cheat think they are getting ahead, but they are only fooling themselves. Not only are players cheating themselves, but their actions reflect what they carry inside, a lack of maturity and an unhealthy development into adulthood.

When I hear guys who are players call their women insecure, I realise that this is the man speaking out of a guilty conscious and using a primitive defence mechanism called Projection. Usually, men attribute their own undesirable thoughts and feelings onto their women who do not have those thoughts and feelings. Does this sound familiar? Little do these men know, they are the ones who are insecure in themselves.

Players demonstrate their insecurity by jumping from one woman to another in search for happiness and self-satisfaction. Basically, they are not happy with themselves. This is mainly because they don’t feel love or don’t feel they have real love for anyone. So they hide that emptiness in the lifestyle of a player where expression of emotions is not required and lovelessness reigns.

A developmental milestone of the early adult is to find love in relationships. The young adult must develop intimate relationships or suffer feelings of isolation. The typical player falls right into this category: a person who has not found a satisfying loving intimate relationship, thus suffers from feelings of isolation. He covers up the feelings of isolation by being with multiple women (Acting Out). The multiple women that the player is with are usually unloving relationships. In order to cope with feelings of isolation and inadequacy, the player performs an extreme behaviour to express thoughts or feelings that he feels incapable of otherwise expressing. So he “Acts Out” (another defense mechanism) because of his isolation by behaving like a ‘Player.’ Yes, I said it!

I met a guy who had a real nice girlfriend. He stayed with her because she was a good girl, the type he could bring home to his mother and the type he thought would make a good mother to his children. She was very pretty too. However, this guy still had his mind on other girls. He started off flirting until one day he was unfaithful to his girl. People think flirting is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. In this case, he hurt his beloved because maybe he was insecure with himself. Why did he cheat? Maybe he wasn’t satisfied with himself. Maybe he wasn’t ready to be faithful or monogamous and he wasn’t confident or matured enough to admit it and handle it in a responsible way.

I know men who are so confident in themselves and satisfied with their relationship that they have no desire to entertain other women. That’s why my theory about men who cheat is a reflection of their insecurity. They are not confident enough in themselves. There is a lack of self-realisation so they jump around from woman to woman hiding this lack of personal growth. They have not yet reached the milestone of finding a loving relationship and instead are still fighting the battle of intimacy versus isolation. Because of this lack of adult realisation, they “act out” defensively by being a player.

These soulless, heartless cheating men have a lot to learn about themselves. The help they need is not from another woman, but from God. So women stay away. Don’t be inclined to ‘help’ or ‘change’ these men into the ‘good’ man you want him to be. This change will only be initiated by their self-realisation.

DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST TELL HIM THAT?

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I’ve concluded that when one is in a romantic relationship, a main focus should be to figure out ways how to improve the relationship. That precisely, was what I was looking for in the articles that I have been reading on relationships. I came across an interesting article about honesty. Now, I’m a big believer in honesty and I believe it is a focal point in healthy relationships. The author of the article I read explained that there are certain things a woman should be able to tell her partner. However, as a guy, I read the article, I found myself disagreeing with the author on the things a woman should tell her partner.  This triggered me to write my own post on things a woman SHOULD NOT tell her boyfriend if she plans on being with him for the long run.

The first thing I came up with is mentioning your past! It’s probably the easiest and it is a responsibility of both parties to avoid doing. We live in a society where women are viewed as being jealous creatures. This may be true, but believe it or not, men have more than an ounce of jealousy in their system. Do not compare your us with your ex, SERIOUSLY DO NOT compare us with your ex or even mention him. We don’t want to hear all the special things he did for you or the special memories you guys shared.  It’s my turn to do something special with you and create better memories. We as men want to be different and we don’t want to be anything like your ex-boyfriend. Comparing us to your ex or mentioning your ex on a regular basis will have us thinking that you are not over him and that can cause tremendous conflicts within the relationship.

The second thing is saying something about his mother in a derogatory fashion. There is nothing like a relationship with a man and his mother and I’m definitely a momma’s boy. Any negative statement you have to say about my mother, please refrain from sharing with me. This is very important to remember. Most men would probably do anything for their mothers and if you happen not to see eye to eye with his mother, my advice is to try your hardest to be diplomatic.  Communicate with your partner about your concerns with his mother in private, but do not show your frustrations in front of his mother.

The third one involves his looks. Please do not tell your boyfriend that you find him to be unattractive. That will totally lower his confidence and to make matters worse, he will probably go find someone who thinks he is attractive. Just lie to him and make him feel as though he is the sexiest man alive! One of your goals as a girlfriend is to boost his confidence, not lower it…I’ve witness plenty of women tell their man that she doesn’t find him to be physically attractive. We all know the saying, “it’s not how you look on the outside, but it’s all about what’s on the inside”. But that doesn’t mean you should actually share that with him. He probably thinks he’s the best thing you ever had. Now, if he has a huge ego then it’s OK to turn it down a notch, but don’t make it a habit by crushing his thoughts, it can be detrimental to his self-esteem.

I could continue the list by mentioning things like avoid talking about: his finances or lack of, calling him lazy, immature or a big kid, or even criticising his love making skills. These are all things a woman should refrain from sharing with her male partner.  Be conscious on what you mention to your man. We all have a soft side and our feathers can easily be ruffled. If you don’t want him saying inappropriate things to you, be the example and refrain from mentioning anything I listed in this post. Until then, keep the positivity in you relationships and focus on empowering each other not bringing down each other. Don’t forget when you’re in a relationship you become a team, it’s your team against the world!