YOU CAN'T FORCE A GUY INTO A RELATIONSHIP

Ladies, I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that there is absolutely no way to make a man commit to a relationship to you, at least not any relationship that you actually want and in which you will be happy. The best part of being in a relationship is knowing that you're connected to someone who chose to be with you, of his/her own free will and with no reluctant sense of obligation. Who wants to be with someone who needs to be forced or dragged along unwillingly?

I recently came across an article called “How To Make A Guy Who “Doesn’t Do Relationships” Commit To You In 12 Simple Steps”. You can’t possibly imagine the intensity of the cringe that took over me. What? Like really now? My first question:  Why would you want to make someone commit to you? My next question: Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who “doesn’t do relationships”? I found the title problematic, but I know that they can be misleading so I read further. It had a few hits, but way more misses.

When You Play Games, You Just Might Lose

“When he texts you, don’t text him back right away even though I know you are checking your phone every 30 seconds to see if he called or texted”

Texting has become the easiest form of communication for many of us with compatible phones and unlimited data/texting plans. We can shoot a few texts and have conversations while we may be busy doing other things; some text convos last all day long. Texting gives us time to think about what we want to say and articulate it in ways that best convey our feelings and points of view. This can be quite useful for avoiding arguments and preserving personal integrity, but it can also be manipulative and false.

Part of what makes face-to-face conversations so important is that we can read body language, sense tone, and be privy to immediate, instinctual responses. You don’t have the safety of a delay – you have to be you in the moment and that realness is what draws us to each other and connects us. Playing games with returning texts or phone calls sets up a boundary that hurts the relationship down the line. If you want to respond immediately to a text, do it! If a guy thinks you’re too eager or desperate because you responded immediately to his text, are you sure you want to be with him? Seems like a rather pointless judgment of your character.

Relationships Begin with Balance

"Waiting for the guy to make the first move is overrated, men like it when you make the first move because most of them don’t have the balls to do it anyway."

I agree that more women should initiate communication with men and feel no shame in following men they’re interested in. Despite the “I-can’t-believe-people-still-think-this-way” idea that women who initiate romantic interactions with men are “desperate”, the tide is changing and more guys are opening up about wanting women to approach them. It can be intimidating for men, especially for those who have dealt with rejection from several women in the past. Since guys are pressured to keep trying to get women’s attention, the numbers game of attempts – rejections + successes = “I’m fed up with this crap!”, and I can’t blame the fellas.

It's Your Future, So Prepare For It

"I repeat DO NOT talk about the future unless he asks, males get freaked out by thinking that you might be the one vagina their penis will ever encounter, for the rest of their lives. If he asks about future plans, he likes you and you have succeeded."

The first date is no time to talk about when you plan to get married or how many children you plan to have and by what age, I agree. You should get to know a person before you begin discussing these types of plans, and you have to remain open to the idea that plans can and do often change. Your "Dream Wedding" Pinterest board, made before meeting Mr. Right, may change drastically because Mr. Right changes your entire world view through the love he has shown you.

TEXTING, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG

I am not an expert, but from what I have observed – I have concluded that we are far into the digital age, where we have the technology to be connected almost constantly. Yet, many people are feeling more disconnected than ever.

We all need to feel loved; we long to feel connected to others, especially loved by and connected to our partner. It is important to reach out and touch your partner frequently, not only physically in non-sexual ways, but also digitally. It feels good to know that your partner is thinking about you and takes a few moments to let you know. It can also feel especially bad to feel ignored, or perhaps even worse, to face a bombardment of hostile words.

Before you send that next text, ask yourself, if your message is a gentle touch or is instead a punch in the gut or slap to the face. Words texted in anger can be even more devastating than words spoken in anger, since the message is saved on your partner’s phone and can be reread over and over and over and over. Further, I text can be more damaging because the recipient cannot see the facial expression, thus making his/her own conclusion. I frequently have friends wanting to share what their partner has texted to them. Each time they reread the message, the hurt is inflicted anew.

Now, since I’m a caring and thoughtful guy - I would like to suggest some Basic Texting Protocol: 

• Be respectful, use respectful language and avoid shouting at your partner via text
• Have reasonable expectations, your partner may not be able to answer immediately, that does not necessarily mean that they are ignoring you
• Be courteous, if you will be unavailable to answer messages for a period of time, or if your job is not conducive to texting, let your partner know
• Be courteous, if you read your partner text, but don’t have time to respond, agree upon a response that will let your partner know that you will answer when you can, like sending “k talk soon”
• Be reliable; follow through with what you say you will do
• Set healthy boundaries; if you are starting to get angry, let your partner know. Something like, “I’m upset. Need some time. We will talk tonight”
• Respect your partner’s boundaries, if your partner asks for a texting time out, respect that request, rather than pushing for a response
• Be proactive, rather than get into a texting war, pick up the phone and talk to each other or wait until you can talk in person
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Understand that it is easy to misunderstand text messages
• Be patient, expecting an instant response will lead to disappointment and frustration
• Be courteous, do not ignore your partner’s texts to punish them or avoid them. That can be disastrous
• Be respectful, do not stalk your partner via text messages
• Be clear; sit down, face to face and be honest with each other about your expectations around texting. Decide on reasonable response times, how to ask for time outs, and what feels supportive rather than destructive

Miscommunications happen frequently when couples are talking. They happen exponentially more often when couples are texting. But talking about and making some conscious choices around texting protocol for you, should help avoid some of the common pitfalls and make texting a connecting rather than disconnecting experience for you.

SAYING I LOVE YOU

I am no expert, but I have observed and concluded that we normally toss around the word ‘love’ like tossing a salad. We say it daily to our spouses, kids, parents, brothers and sisters, family, friends and we use to describe how much we like a song, dinner, book, view, house and on and on.

Does this mean it isn’t what we feel? Not necessarily, we really do have those feelings for our family and friends. Is it the same feeling for a dead object or social abstract like country, home and hearth? Again, it can be that, but to say, “I love this pasta,” diminishes the word. How can we compare our lovers to our dinner?

It is my experience that in long term relationships the words “I love you,” mean less and less the longer the relationship lasts. This does not mean it is not true, that we shouldn’t be saying them to our loved ones, what it does mean we need to make sure the words are sincere and in the moment. We say them so much that they become a habit, a routine, something we say without thinking about them.

One thing I have learned from my experience is that most people notice when their partners are not wholly with them, or engaged, or not present in the moment. I do not doubt the sincerity of the feelings of love we have, what I do question is when we just give a quick peck on the cheek, say “I love you, good-bye,” and head-off to wherever we are going. Is our attention and focus on our partner or on where we are going and what we have to do? In that case, s are just not sincere and in the moment enough.

One way of making the words mean something is to do something that proves the words. We need to be doing things that show our love and caring about our loved ones. Actions are always more effective when they are backed up with the words and so the opposite is true. So make your good-bye routine honest and sincere. For that moment give yourself and your attention to your partner, hug them for at least 6 seconds (6 seconds is long enough to become fully present), give them a real kiss, soft and sweet and with all the love you truly feel, hold it until you both relax and partake of each other.

It is what we do with the feelings we have for our loved ones that really define the love we have and defines our relationship not only with our partners but also, with ourselves. Sam Keen said, “Seeing only the good we blind ourselves to the better and the best.”  The very best gift we can give our partners and ourselves is to accept the good in our relationships, but to continue looking for and making the better and the best come true.

Use the words, say them often, mean them, prove that feeling and your love will never become routine or habit but remain fresh and alive. The heart has reasons the mind knows not of.

THE HEALING POWER IN ACCEPTANCE

I am no expert, but I have observed and concluded that on the list of simple strategies to overcome conflict and heal a troubled relationship, acceptance is near the top. Acceptance has almost magical properties to help both the giver and the receiver feel peaceful. It means a stop to fighting and resisting. Acceptance is an active, positive step. It is not about giving up or giving in; it is about appreciation, respect and love. There is a healing power in acceptance.

It is important to be open and honest about your feelings and experience in your relationship. We can agree that suppressing negative feelings can lead to a build-up of resentment that eventually explodes all over your partner and damages your relationship. At the same time, giving voice to every negative thought and feeling can be equally damaging, slowly eroding the foundation of your relationship.

How do you know when to speak up and when to keep it to yourself?

Ask yourself: Is this complaint based on principle or preference? We all have “rules” for our partners. Many of these rules are based in preference rather than principle. Principles include things like always speaking respectfully, being loyal and faithful and being open and honest. Preferences are more about the way you like or want things to be. If your preferences are different from your partner, then acceptance and respect is the best approach. If your complaint is based on principle, then it is important to stand your ground.

Ask yourself: Is this something I am willing and able to let go, or will I be hanging onto resentment because of this? Having a sense of humour, good will and empathy can help you to accept your partner as they are. This allows you to keep refocusing on what you like and appreciate about your partner and what is great about your relationship. If you cannot let it go, then it is time to respectfully speak up.

Ask yourself: Is this worth fighting about? The concept of picking your battles is a valuable one. When we can learn to release complaints that really are not worth fighting about, we can enjoy greater peace in our relationship.

Each person longs to feel accepted and appreciated. You may have fallen into the unfortunate habit of rejecting your partner or too frequently giving them the message that they do not measure up. Try, as an experiment to begin to offer them acceptance instead. Watch what begins to happen. When you offer acceptance to each other, you can start to heal and invigorate your relationship